Nurturing Fondness&Admiration

As I go day to day, I notice the little things that make me a little irritated. Why couldn't you just rinse off your dish and put it in the dishwasher, or put your dirty cloths in the hamper? 

Sometimes we tend to focus on the negative in our relationship. There was a student at BYU-I who stated that it got so bad for her focusing on the negative that she could hardly remember the good in her relationship. She and I both, read in Gottman's Book, and he challenged the reader to think about the details that led up to you getting married to your significant other. Her and I were both filled with positive feelings and memories as we recounted that time in our life. Here is her experience: 

Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

Story from student at BYU-Idaho used with permission

          "There have been times in my marriage when I have wondered whether my husband was the right one to marry or if I had made the wrong decision. That sounds awful, I know, but that thought has gone through my head, along with many others. It is hard to hold on to the good memories when times are tough in a marriage. I tend to dwell on my negative thoughts and emotions that I am feeling at the moment and forget all the good times my husband and I have shared together. It had gotten to the point that I was having a hard time remembering the good times we used to have. All I could remember was the heartache and struggle.

          After reading the chapter on fondness and admiration, it completely changed my attitude toward my husband when times got tough. In the book it asked the question for us to recall the details that lead to my decision to marry my husband. As I began to do this I remembered the good times and noticed my attitude began to change and I started looking at him for who he really is. Once I started doing this I started to be softened, less irritated, and more patient with him and even life. In turn, he was reciprocating kind acts and gestures. Completing the activity on nurturing fondness and admiration was great because I believe it helped change my attitude towards my husband and our relationship."

After reading this I too reflected on how doing this really helped me see my husband for the awesome man that he is and focus more on what I really do love about him. I think that this nurturing fondness and admiration, that Gottman talks about is really important in marriage. Focusing on the positive can really help us in our marriage be closer to one another and help us to easily take on change and challenges with our positive mind set towards one another. 

My husband and I went through about a 2 week period where we really couldn't figure out what was wrong with us. We weren't upset or mad at one another but we also weren't thriving in our relationship. We seemed stuck. I had taken a class earlier that had read this book and we both decided to do the activity where we focus on the positives of one another and things really started to change for us. How we thought affected our actions, and those actions continued to improve one anothers thoughts. It was a good change for us to have.

I liked listening to the talk of President Eyring, he states that for a good marriage each spouse has the other persons needs in front of their own. I feel that this is a big key in successful marriages. I have learned that it is about loving and being selfless. Lets all have the goal to have no empty seats in our families. Here is a link to that wonderful video of a testimony of companionship and marriage!

Our Perfect Example

If we pray to have our spouses sorrows lifted and for their happiness I know that we will become happier in our marriages. 

This week my husband and I started a weekly date night, and we really enjoyed our first date. . . we put on our basketball clothes and went to go play basketball at the park! We laughed and talked with eachother and were teasing and flirting too! It felt so good, and the milkshake after was just what put the cherry on top.

Start now, and really nurture your relationship. Let go of what is irritating you and see the good in your spouse.

Magic Relationship Ratio

When you think about your bank account and how much you withdraw from it each month. . . Think about how much do you need to put it so it doesn't go empty? Do you put in just the bare minimum so that when all the bills are paid and the groceries are bought. . there is none to spare?

In relationships, we interact with someone in ways that either take out of our account with them or deposit something in. When we deposit, we have done something positive to interact with them and there is positive interaction. When we withdraw from them we acted in a negative manner resulting in taking out the money. 

John Gottman suggests a magic ratio for how much we interact positively to how much we interact negatively to keep our relationship strong. He suggests that for every one negative thing that goes on we do 5 positive things to counteract it. Here is a video that was shared in this weeks class, that helped me understand it better.

The Magic Ratio

He says that this ratio is a ratio that goes on in relationships that work. It suggests that we really want to keep that bank account full. when we withdraw from that account, we want there to be room for that negativity to not make our account go negative. 

Having experience being married, it is fun to reflect on our relationship and what I do or how I react when I do something negative or withdraw from our account together. Apologies are very common in our relationship, and then I usually cook his favorite something or other and then participate in something that he likes to do. My husband is also very good at being cooperative and apologetic which really is just what I want. Sometimes I just need to feel loved in a situation when I feel like he is withdrawing from our account and he does a great job of that too. 

God intended for man not to be alone, and when I look at how our relationships work. . . we each bring something to the table that is a strength. I am grateful for my husband and how much he works on our relationship! Our bank account never seems to be empty because of his sweetness! 

What are some things that you do in your relationships to not make them go negative?

Here are some things that Jedd and I do together :)

-Have family councils together to openly talk about things ahead and things that we are going through to bring us closer together

-Serve one another so we are focused on the positive

-Take each other on dates

-Every Sunday say 5 new things we like about each other

-Consciously think about how we are saying something, what we are saying, and if it would hurt the other persons feelings

Try some of these things this week and see how your results turn out.

Covenant Marriage

I liked reading the Ensign Article by Bruce C. Hafen. As I was preparing to be married and go through the temple, I thought that this really was a fairy tale ending! I had married my price and no more troubles were coming my way. We had made it to the temple and all was well :) 

I am not saying that we don't marry our happily every after, I am just saying maybe we should redefine "No more troubles" or "Happily Ever After" 

When we get married, it seems that Satan works on us even harder to try to break our families apart. But as we stick to our covenants, and the atonement of Jesus Christ, and most importantly our companion. . . WE HAVE SO MUCH IN STORE!!

My Happily Ever After consists of talking through hard situations but always keeping peace, going on date nights after a long hard work and school week to help one another, picking out a cool rental car while we decide what we are going to do after our car has been totaled! Keeping our covenants also, and going to the temple helps us to create our own personal happily ever after with our families. Covenants with our spouse in the temple is the new and everlasting covenant. In Doctrine and Covenants 131: 1-4 it talks about how we, in order to obtain the highest degree of glory need to get married in the temple and enter into that covenant. 

When we go about facing our trials and temptations in marriage we need to look and realize that we are in a covenant and not a contract. We can see how we treat our spouses and understand what we think we are in! Do a self evaluation, and think if you are more a hireling or a shepherd. In the article it compares a hireling and how when the hireling sees the wolf coming he will leave the sheep, but the shepherd will stay and lay down its life because it cares and wont drop the contract at will. 

I want to be a hireling in my marriage, and have my husband know that I will always work and do things to help our marriage succeed. 

What are some ways that we can show that we truly are living in a covenant marriage and not a contract marriage?

Divorce

Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a nurse and travel the world and be a piolot and an astronaut and also be a princess. . . Oh Oh no I want to be a rodeo queen and also be a mom and have eight kids! I want to marry a prince and then . . . Get a divorce!! I know that when I was younger I wanted to be a lot of things, but I knew getting a divorce was not one of them!

 My parents are divorced and I knew everything that comes along with getting a divorce. It was said well by Holland, “Some of the best people get a divorce” I told my spouse that when we get married he is eternally stuck with me! I definitely married a good one though. He is a keeper!

Divorce is not a bad thing, and sometimes it is necessary! But with the gospel a lot of things are possible. It is not impossible to make a bad marriage work and improve on it! Never give up, always keep trying. When I first got married I think one of the best pieces of advice is to not sweat the small stuff and to be selfless. Marriage is probably one of the most selfless things and I am coming to know this the longer I am married.

There was a video that I wanted to share with you about divorce that I think would really shed some light on  it and make it a good thing I think. Being LDS, sometimes I feel that they don’t accept divorces as well but I think its just the fact that in reality they don’t want anyone to give up. There are certain circumstances that allow divorce and make it a needful thing and I think this video does a great job explaining some of those situations. It is by Elder Oaks!

 Video On Divorce By Elder Oaks

Most girls don’t grow up saying that they want to get a divorce, but sometimes that is what your life calls for. I am so grateful for my devoted husband who lives in his marriage selflessly, and is always thinking of me and our marriage.