Magic Relationship Ratio

When you think about your bank account and how much you withdraw from it each month. . . Think about how much do you need to put it so it doesn't go empty? Do you put in just the bare minimum so that when all the bills are paid and the groceries are bought. . there is none to spare?

In relationships, we interact with someone in ways that either take out of our account with them or deposit something in. When we deposit, we have done something positive to interact with them and there is positive interaction. When we withdraw from them we acted in a negative manner resulting in taking out the money. 

John Gottman suggests a magic ratio for how much we interact positively to how much we interact negatively to keep our relationship strong. He suggests that for every one negative thing that goes on we do 5 positive things to counteract it. Here is a video that was shared in this weeks class, that helped me understand it better.

The Magic Ratio

He says that this ratio is a ratio that goes on in relationships that work. It suggests that we really want to keep that bank account full. when we withdraw from that account, we want there to be room for that negativity to not make our account go negative. 

Having experience being married, it is fun to reflect on our relationship and what I do or how I react when I do something negative or withdraw from our account together. Apologies are very common in our relationship, and then I usually cook his favorite something or other and then participate in something that he likes to do. My husband is also very good at being cooperative and apologetic which really is just what I want. Sometimes I just need to feel loved in a situation when I feel like he is withdrawing from our account and he does a great job of that too. 

God intended for man not to be alone, and when I look at how our relationships work. . . we each bring something to the table that is a strength. I am grateful for my husband and how much he works on our relationship! Our bank account never seems to be empty because of his sweetness! 

What are some things that you do in your relationships to not make them go negative?

Here are some things that Jedd and I do together :)

-Have family councils together to openly talk about things ahead and things that we are going through to bring us closer together

-Serve one another so we are focused on the positive

-Take each other on dates

-Every Sunday say 5 new things we like about each other

-Consciously think about how we are saying something, what we are saying, and if it would hurt the other persons feelings

Try some of these things this week and see how your results turn out.

Covenant Marriage

I liked reading the Ensign Article by Bruce C. Hafen. As I was preparing to be married and go through the temple, I thought that this really was a fairy tale ending! I had married my price and no more troubles were coming my way. We had made it to the temple and all was well :) 

I am not saying that we don't marry our happily every after, I am just saying maybe we should redefine "No more troubles" or "Happily Ever After" 

When we get married, it seems that Satan works on us even harder to try to break our families apart. But as we stick to our covenants, and the atonement of Jesus Christ, and most importantly our companion. . . WE HAVE SO MUCH IN STORE!!

My Happily Ever After consists of talking through hard situations but always keeping peace, going on date nights after a long hard work and school week to help one another, picking out a cool rental car while we decide what we are going to do after our car has been totaled! Keeping our covenants also, and going to the temple helps us to create our own personal happily ever after with our families. Covenants with our spouse in the temple is the new and everlasting covenant. In Doctrine and Covenants 131: 1-4 it talks about how we, in order to obtain the highest degree of glory need to get married in the temple and enter into that covenant. 

When we go about facing our trials and temptations in marriage we need to look and realize that we are in a covenant and not a contract. We can see how we treat our spouses and understand what we think we are in! Do a self evaluation, and think if you are more a hireling or a shepherd. In the article it compares a hireling and how when the hireling sees the wolf coming he will leave the sheep, but the shepherd will stay and lay down its life because it cares and wont drop the contract at will. 

I want to be a hireling in my marriage, and have my husband know that I will always work and do things to help our marriage succeed. 

What are some ways that we can show that we truly are living in a covenant marriage and not a contract marriage?

Divorce

Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a nurse and travel the world and be a piolot and an astronaut and also be a princess. . . Oh Oh no I want to be a rodeo queen and also be a mom and have eight kids! I want to marry a prince and then . . . Get a divorce!! I know that when I was younger I wanted to be a lot of things, but I knew getting a divorce was not one of them!

 My parents are divorced and I knew everything that comes along with getting a divorce. It was said well by Holland, “Some of the best people get a divorce” I told my spouse that when we get married he is eternally stuck with me! I definitely married a good one though. He is a keeper!

Divorce is not a bad thing, and sometimes it is necessary! But with the gospel a lot of things are possible. It is not impossible to make a bad marriage work and improve on it! Never give up, always keep trying. When I first got married I think one of the best pieces of advice is to not sweat the small stuff and to be selfless. Marriage is probably one of the most selfless things and I am coming to know this the longer I am married.

There was a video that I wanted to share with you about divorce that I think would really shed some light on  it and make it a good thing I think. Being LDS, sometimes I feel that they don’t accept divorces as well but I think its just the fact that in reality they don’t want anyone to give up. There are certain circumstances that allow divorce and make it a needful thing and I think this video does a great job explaining some of those situations. It is by Elder Oaks!

 Video On Divorce By Elder Oaks

Most girls don’t grow up saying that they want to get a divorce, but sometimes that is what your life calls for. I am so grateful for my devoted husband who lives in his marriage selflessly, and is always thinking of me and our marriage.

Divorce &the Hardships

Divorce is a hard word. It's getting a lot more common now a days too. It makes me kind of sad to think about too! I had the opportunity to be apart of a family that was blended. I learned a lot about myself and what I thought was important, and a lot about how I want my family to be.
I know there are certain circumstances that require divorce and when it is necessary it is a good thing, but I want to focus on emotional divorce. . . it is a step in the divorce process! There are also ways that you can transform your marriage from this.
Emotional divorce is when you are still with your spouse but there is no connection or happy feelings between the two of you. You basically cohabit and live in the same house with a piece of paper keeping the two of you together! You are selfish in your ways and are thinking about yourself most of the time, and you are swimming in a consumerism marriage.

I just think of how sad I would find that to be. Really though, why can't we keep the firing burning all throughout our marriage like the first couple months?! I mean I know I am just a newly wed but I have seen this happiness in my own parents, and my grandparents. The fire is there. . . &sometimes I can obviously see that they still love each other just as much! I love that! When you are an example with your love, your children will pass that on. How wonderful.

There are a couple things that can help this! I learned in this class and also my marriage skills class how there are soft things that we have problems with in our marriage and also hard things. You might just be super annoyed that your spouse never helps with the dishes. . . that they never pick up after themselves (these things you need to look past yourself for, and really try to communicate with your spouse). . . or it might be the hard things like abuse, affairs, or addiction (these are the ones that you will have to work hard to overcome, but sometimes it's okay to leave).

Counseling can really help. It is a good idea to go together because instead of finding someone to side with you, you are working with your spouse through the problems that you have. Those who are contemplating divorce and who go to individual counseling, they are more likely to get a divorce if they hadn't gone in at all. So make sure that when you go into counseling, you are looking for support of the marriage, not just of you.

Be mindful that marriage is selfless. You look past the imperfections and love them. You don't get frustrated, you communicate and make sure they understand you and you understand them. Keep your words soft, and your hugs/kisses constant. Let go of the worldly things and cleave unto your spouse. Make them feel so important. It is our job as their spouse to provide support, love (LOTS of love), kind words, confidence, self worth and so much more to our spouse. Don't give them a reason to be upset! Try as hard as you can through the hard times, because you will come out stronger! It is so satisfying to have challenges and go through it with someone because you feel connected in a strong way.

Jedd and I have prayed together and have studied our scriptures together to make sure that we both have the spirit with us, and also because it really does enhance the happiness of our marriage. I would suggest finding things that you both enjoy doing together. . and go and actually do them! Plan time together where you both enjoy the recreational activity. You'll find yourself laughing, and remembering that life with them is happy. I know that because Jedd and I have a regular date night, we always renew our relationship. By renewing something, like a library book. . . You get to initially keep it for longer! With your marriage you get to keep the feelings alive for longer. Who doesn't want that?

Be happy :) and remember why you married them. Let go of the small things and your pride.

Children=Obeying. Simple?

We are not striving for compliance, we are striving for respect and obedience.

It is always a battle to always have children obey you. Curfew, bedtime, chores, or even simply them doing something when you ask them to. In class we learned about the parenting styles and ways to help have your children listen to you. I am starting to think that the real battle is having consistent, who follow through and also parents who are clear on their boundaries and rules for their children.

Believe it or not, children are always looking for stability, consistency, and actually thrive with boundaries and rules. Brain development is also part of their growth, and when they learn that they can ultimately get away with something sometimes, or with one parent. . . They are less likely to thrive when they get older. 

Picture you driving in your hometown, going 25 in a 25 mph zone that you are very familiar with. Suddenly, you get pulled over by a policeman who is giving you a speeding ticket for going 25 in a 20. You are very confused, and argue with the policeman saying that the sign said 25, and there was no warning that it was now a 20 mph zone. The policeman states that he just didn't like that you were going 25 and you should have known it was going to change to 20 mph next week. 

Sometimes this is how things go when parenting your children. We set some boundaries, and maybe we weren't exactly specific enough or clear enough with our children. When they do something that you forgot to mention in their boundaries, but you really didn't like it. . . they get in trouble for it. How confusing for them! 

When they are little children, it is good to sit down with your spouse and really communicate the lines that you don't want your children to cross.  As they get older it is a good idea to keep those things in place, but start talking to your children about them. We learned about a pyramid that explains how you should discipline your children. I loved it and it made so much sense. I am so excited to use it when I start having children. 

I loved how it said that your consequences always lead back to natural consequences. The natural consequence is what would happen to them if you didn't step in at all. So a logical consequence for them leaving their bike out, is to put the bike up in the garage for three days (as if somebody had stolen it), but give them a chance to try again after the three days is up. 

- Polite request

- "I" statement

- Firmer

When disciplining, you start with a polite request to "Hey son, please put your bike away". This gives them a chance to obey. If that doesn't seem to get his attention, create an "I" statement that starts with "When you (action). . .I feel (emotion), because (what would happen). . . So I would like you to (what you want him to do). Do you understand?" This lets your child know how you feel and that you care about him. . . not just the fact that you just want him to obey. If he still isn't quite understanding, you become firmer but understanding as well. Raising your voice isn't firm but explaining that now they have no choice and if they do not do it, the consequence that you agreed on will be in place. 

Curfew is a big one I think! When your teen is hanging out with friends it seems to be quite hard for them to leave. My teacher came up with a good scenario that made a lot of sense to me. His parents gave him a curfew, and if he wasn't home by that time he wasn't able to hang out with his friends that next week. No exceptions, no "what if's". . . My teacher was late one time because his friend didn't get in the car in time and when he came home he explained things to his parents and they said their goodnights and he thought he was off the hook. The next day he was getting ready for a date, and his dad asked him where he was going. His dad then said, "Shoot that isn't any fun, I'm sorry but we had an agreement." My teacher then called the girl, and the second phone call was to his friend telling him that next time he was just going to leave him haha. 

When they learn consistency and that you mean what you  say, they will respect it. It makes them feel grown up even if they do become upset. Here is to parenting!

Also, this video is just a crack up. Modern Mom's and their children I guess

Parenting Tips from Studio C

Money from my Honey

    He leaves early for work, and you pack him a lunch. . . His favorite chips maybe and some left over homemade cookies from yesterday's family home evening. Your children start getting up! Mom Mom Mom! Breakfast somehow gets made, with the hair in bows and brushed. (It's sometimes a question about the teeth being brushed, haha) Cold lunch assembly line starts! The brown paper bags are filled, to later fill your kids stomachs during lunch time. On a good day you'll write a sweet note on their napkin to let them know how much you love them. 

     Your day goes on as you find the best coupons for groceries! Wahoo, basically finding the best deals of the day. You do your laundry, and listen to a conference talk while you fold the fresh, warm shirts and socks. You get a poster for your child's school project, get the dog more dog food (Oh wait, I am out in public. . . did you have time to get your hair done. . . Make-up? . . . eh, skip it the kids will be home in 30 minutes) You put dinner in the crock-pot so it is ready to go after basketball practice!

     It might only be until before the kids get home from school, but I think you get it. . . days get long, the job list gets even longer. . . But can you put a price on it?

     In my class this week, we studied the effects of the mother working outside of the home and actually studied a case study of a family. The family had the mom working because they felt things at home were getting tight with money. They had three boys whose ages were 8, 12, and 16. He worked full time making $42,000 a year, and she worked part time making $21,000 a year. They decided they wanted to find out the total benefits of her working for the family. The accountant they were working with really took everything that was effected from her working. They took the emotional effects of her children, the absence of her in the home, the stress that it gave her not being able to feel on top of her jobs at home, the daycare bills they paid, the eating out they did because of her not having time to cook, the effects her husband had of trying to fill in. . . and really there are so many more things that played a part that they counted. In reality they put the numbers in the equation and they should have come out on top. At the end of the day, she and her husband were taken by surprise when they found out that their income for the year came out to be only $41,000.

     I have had the opportunity this week to spend time with my mother in law, and we had the chance to talk about this class. She has some amazing recipes, stellar coupon sites and coupons, children who  have strong testimonies and who took some of her traits with them, sewing abilities, and so much more. I loved what she said to me about all of this, 

"I want to be so good at what I do, that my husband can't afford me to work outside of the home"

     What does she do then? She does exactly the scenario I described of a normal day up there^ and then some. She dedicates her self and contributes so much to the family that if she left there would be a huge deficit. She is really so good at what she does, and I have loved learning from her.

     So how do you live off of one income? I have tried a lot of ways, and there are so many books you can read but it all comes down to how to budget the money from your honey. My honey works so hard, and I want him to not stress about money and know that I am grateful for what he provides. 

     These last two weeks Jedd and I are trying something different. We have laid out some money, and decided what our categories are for where are money goes for the month, and we have put a certain amount of money in each envelope. Groceries, phone, and gas are some of our categories. But one of our favorites is our "Mad Money"! We both get some money to spend whenever we want, and wherever we want! This has been fun because it also helps us get the things we actually really do want. I am excited to see the results from this form of budgeting. 

     I am going to strive to be the best that I can be at being a homemaker that Jedd can't afford me working anywhere else! You cannot put a price on homemaking and motherhood. The money from your honey can go a long way, if you do things that are right for your family. I really am excited to step outside the normals today, and become rich in happiness from the success that I create right inside the walls of my own home. 

    

     

Communication

Communicate, they say! It's as easy as that, they say!

For me it always has not been that easy. I am always debating how I should say something, or maybe I just won't say it because I feel like it will hurt the other persons feelings too much. What I didn't realize is that probably more of what I communicate comes from my body language, my nonverbal communication. 

Non-verbal communication can be your actions, like slamming a door, or just simply walking away. You are really saying so much by doing those things! Now I don't have much of a temper, usually I just become quiet. . . But that is saying so much as well. In a marriage, each spouse takes their life experiences and assumes behavior meanings based on those. I always thought that silence meant that something was wrong, but maybe to my husband it means "Oh, I am just thinking and processing what you said." So how do we know what the other person really means?

You have to first communicate, to communicate. I don't ever think this goes away either. Once you feel like you figured something out about how your spouse communicates a message, you have a new one to decode. There are a lot of things that go into the decoding of messages too. The tone of voice, facial expressions, hand movements, the actual words used and with all of these things it actually becomes difficult. We are influenced with meanings all throughout our lives and it might be difficult trying to figure out what they are really saying to you. It just takes a lot of patience.

When we communicate it is very important to have clarification, or transparency of the message. You can do this by asking a simply question, "If I am understanding right, you are meaning. . ." This allows for the person trying to send a message the opportunity to understand what they are trying to say and feel and to validate your thoughts. Something to do also, is to validate your spouses feelings. When we are upset we are looking for someone to understand us. If the person who understands us is the one who makes us mad, it is likely that our fire will be put out. 

Even when we are not arguing, it is good for clarification. It is more likely that one will keep doing things that you like if you communicate with them and tell them that you enjoy it and appreciate it when they. . . "Help with the dishes" or "Give you a hug and a kiss when they come home"

I have been aware of my communication this week, I communicate mostly non verbally by my sighs, or smiles, or even how I show affection. It is amazing to see how my husband so quickly picks up on those things without me even saying a word. 

My goal this week, is to really observe Jedd and know how he acts in certain situations. I will be better able to communicate with him because I know how he is feelings without him talking to me. 

Being aware of what we feel and how we communicate that is really big. I hope that we can all focus a little more on our actions, tones, and words because it all counts. 

We all have different needs, and we all have the desire of something. Let's be clear in our cries for help in those times of need! Don't get angry, or upset. We act irrationally when we are in those emotions. Evaluate how you feel, why you are feeling that way and ask for help or some one to listen.

The BEST counsel from my teacher this week-

Give the Benefit Of the Doubt

Our spouses never intentionally mean to offend us, or make us feel angry or really anything other than happy. If we give them the benefit of the doubt all the time, we realize we are not perfect either. We come to love them because we don't get frustrated that often. Our communication increases because we turn to clarifying instead of becoming defensive.

Take time to communicate effectively this week. Notice, and try to communicate by those things that you see.

Stress. Is. Good.

Ya know, I feel like some of the time I am a pretty stressful person. I have a lot going on in my life, and usually at some of the most inconvenient times. But imagine your life without stress!

   Take just a second and picture yourself never having to rush your kids to school, never having 100 errands to run in 1 hour, never having to make meals, cook dinner, or doing laundry ever again! You would become like an astronaut that has been in space for too long. The number one health threat for an astronaut is to actually not have the stress of gravity readily available to them. Their muscles start deteriorating, and they are not as strong as they used to be. We would become just this!

     Without stress, we wouldn't become strong individuals with opportunities presented in front of us.

Did you know that we control our stress reactions? Also, our body hears everything our mind says?! This was actually the most fascinating thing that I learned this week. Stress actually becomes 10x harder for us when we express "Oh, this is going to be just terrible!" If we were to react in such a way that our bodies realize that what we are going through isn't so bad, we learn that stress is okay and that we can make it through. We become positive to stress, and the outcomes of stress help us with the things that are going to happen in our future.

Now this class was focused on family stress not so much individual stress so I want to focus on some things for the family, specifically mine.

Backstory:

     We have been living in a basement this semester here in Rexburg. We thought we were leaving this winter semester for somewhere else and we didn't get too cozy in our basement nook. Well, lately I have learned that plans are not plans, sometimes they are only ideas, haha. Long story short, we are not going to Florida. Jedd has expressed how he wants to more feel like he is coming home, this next semester. It is definitely a little bit stressful going to school full time and being a wife. . . but oh my goodness it is making me such a better person. That's a story for another time but here is what I want to get to.

     This weekend Jedd went hunting! His dad and brother put in for a hunt and were all able to go. I was super excited for him and I am still crossing my fingers that he gets something ;) . . . I stayed home to work on school and catch up on laundry at the laundry mat. I decided since my list consisted of more then just those things I would write a list and name it good, better, and best so I felt like I wasn't going to be as stressed out. I saw all of these things that I was doing for myself, and sometimes Jedd and I like laundry. . . But I decided to write on there "Make Our House A HOME!" And what is better then doing something for someone else? So I decided I would quick get my homework done really quick, and get started.

-desk
-study room
-clean out closet
-tupper wares
-a little decoration
-yummy 'home' smells
-laundry
-vacuuming
-organizing
-decluttering
- cleaning
(only a few on the list. . . I know I know, you moms out there beat mine, lol)

Not to say the least, I could have gotten a lot of other things done but I decided I would do something for my husband and make him feel at home. I did have other things to get done but somehow my stress disappeared and I knew everything was going to be alright. I mean, I got my homework done. . . right? Plus I added in some things that I love to do. I did a few crafts with meal prep and vacuuming!
     Stress is a good things in our lives if we take it and see it as an opportunity to grow and become better. We should start telling ourselves that "We can do it", and "It's really all going to be okay." I mean, the man upstairs is in charge anyways.

P.S. Jedd comes home tomorrow and I am super excited for him to come home! . . .
P.P.S. I'll show you some things that I made this weekend. . .  I love using my hands!

 

Marital Intimacy, It's not what you think

When I got married, what exactly did I know about marital intimacy? You might be thinking about the physical part which is just as important, but I think sometimes we skip a step. . . we skip an important step!

I honestly had a hard time being required to write a blog about the chapter we had to read about this week and the discussions we had in class, but I decided that I would try to take a different approach to this because it is a good thing to understand.

We are taught in school with the fifth grade videos, and middle school videos what happens to our bodies as we hit puberty. The physical side of things is the only part talked about when we have the birds and bees talk later in life as well. We are taught to "bridle our passions that we may be filled with love" (Alma 38:12). This is so good know because the natural man is an enemy to God. What I learned this week though changed my perspective on why it is a good idea to wait until after marriage to have the physical part of intimacy with your special someone, and to gain trust, a safe place, and a loving relationship before you decide to marry and show affection in a more physical way.

It is really neat to have all my classes overlap some weeks, and this was a special week that it did. In my eternal families class we discussed the law of chastity. There was a wonderful explanation of this by Holland in the talk, Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments (Personal Purity). This talk was actually so popular that you cant get the original without purchasing the book (Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments).  Which I would recommend!

The step we skipped! Emotional intimacy before physical intimacy.

There is so much emotion that is present with intimacy. You experience the feelings of closeness, love, charity, vulnerability, and so much more. When you share your deepest thoughts, genuine concerns, and life long dreams with your partner you feel a connection and a bond. When you have that relationship of communication and dependency with your partner it creates an intimacy that should only be shared with them, and you should be committed to that person even in courtship. After you have gained this relationship with them, it is appropriate to share with them your body after marriage because you will truly be united. "When one toys with the God-given-and satanically coveted-body of another, he or she toys with the very soul of that individual, toys with the central purpose and product of life (Holland, Of Souls...)" and takes away the ability to have the feelings of intimacy and closeness with the person before having sex. It is not only about saving yourself and doing what our Heavenly Father wants us to do, but for saving us from the hurt that would come to our souls if we participated in it before we are married. I think he is protecting us from a lot more than we think ;)

Women release a lot of hormones during intercourse. Oxytocin is a main one and is what I would consider the "bonding chemical". This chemical is also released when a women is having a baby, and also when she nurses. . . is it a coincidence that it is released when having intercourse? It binds her to her husband and she feels close to him. More than ever! How amazing! I just think of how hard it would be to know that the person you feel closest to because of sex, isn't completely committed to you. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that the man who holds me at night is devoted to me. I don't ever have to second guess if our relationship will end. We are committed and we show each

other.

Something that I want to share, I would have never thought of when it comes to marital intimacy. Are there boundaries? Are there things we shouldn't do? I was taught all my life that sex was a bad thing, that it just shouldn't be done. . . Until I got married! Now that I am married, what exactly can I do?

We are vulnerable and we could potentially do things that might embarrass us. Intercourse is to build the relationship up, not tear it down in any way. The boundaries when you get married are between you and your spouse. It is important to communicate with each other, and let each other know how you are truly feeling. It is not good to do anything demeaning or embarrassing for your partner. There aren't specific things I can tell you to do, but the natural things that bring good feelings into the relationship are the ones that should be practiced. Find those things with your spouse! It will only make things better!

Lastly I want to leave you with recommendations of books to read. . . 

•  Knowing Her Intimately
• And They Were Not Ashamed 

These are great books to read to just understand a little bit more about one another, and the importance of sex after marriage.

It is a good thing, when you do it right. . . and in the right order!

Changes Require Changes (Babies)

-lots of conversation and experimentation
-accommodate and identify our needs with each other
-discover the new things
-sharing your time with each other
-sharing EVERYTHING with each other

    These are all things That I am learning how to do right now. Getting married, enjoying the honeymoon, and being in love are only the beginning stages of a great marriage. There are things that will come along during your marriage that can bring you two closer together then ever. . . or really just take you two away from one another. Jedd and I had an awesome summer together while we merged our lives together living in Woodruff, Utah. We learned more about each other on a deeper level. I learned a lot about who Jedd is and what he likes and doesn't like. I learned that work might almost me his most favorite thing, and that there can't be too many otter pops in the freezer. These are some fun things to know, and because I know them I can best fulfill Jedd's needs. The list of things I know about my husband will increase over time if I really put in some effort and observe and communicate with him.
    We will, together, go through some hard times difficult times and some changes. The more you know about one another, and the more you communicate through these things. . . (I think) the easier it will be to go through them.

    The fun thing about changes though is that it creates an opportunity for you to learn something new. Maybe how they'll react, or feel when something occurs. One of the big changes, greatest changes, most life changing changes. . . is when you start to create together your own family. A lot of things go into this special experience, and maybe more new things that you haven't been through yet. I was able to learn this week about the effects of having children.

    The effects were kind of surprising to me. I learned that most marriage satisfaction levels go down the their first baby arrives. Not only that, but it keeps going down as more children come. Jedd and I haven't had children yet but I am going to keep some things in mind when I start having children. Who intentionally has children to decline their satisfaction with the person they love and created the child with?

    The things I want to share and also remember when I have children is to always include the father in pre-natal and post-natal appointments and experiences. Doing this keeps both parents on the same page and with the name knowledge of this child. Revealing the gender together, hearing the heart beat, hearing the words of the doctor reveal news about your child. . . are all important for both parents to hear. Even though mom is bearing the child, including dad when the baby starts kicking, or wanting him there for the appointments will give him the feelings that he is needed, and also wanted by your side throughout this changing time in your relationship. 

   When the baby is born, keeping your husband feeling needed and wanted is important so he can feel a connection with the baby as well. It might be a good idea, in my opinion, to keep your husband right next to you in the delivery room. . . not so much your mom. . . or your best friend. . . but your husband holding your hand and being given the baby right after it is born. What a spiritual and special experience it would be for you and your husband being together during this time.  

    The other things I think are important are keeping up on your duties of being a wife. Not only are you a mother now. . . but you aren't just one thing now! Continue being a wife to your husband. He deserves it. I know Jedd deserves that! It might be hard sometimes but pushing forward through those hard times, doing the things I have in the list up there^ will be so beneficial in your marriage.

I want the children I have to bring Jedd and I closer together. I want to always make him feel needed and wanted and important in the process of having children. I know there are changes ahead of us, but this class is helping me know and prepare for what I need to do to not have my marriage decline after having children. I am excited to start my family, actually I can't wait.

It is really just a date?

You're in college, studying hard, losing sleep, and trying to progress in your life. One day in your busy schedule a nice young man, who seems interested in you, starts a conversation with you. . . He then asks you out on a date! 
You then:
(A) Blush a little bit because you thought he was cute and hope he purposes on the date so you say yes
(B) Make an excuse like "I have a boyfriend" or show him the fake ring you bought at the nearest grocery mart because you aren't in a position to get married quite yet
(C) Belittle his confidence by hesitating and ultimately just saying, "Uhm(looks around and heavily sighs) sure" 
(D) Excited that he asked, "What did you have in mind"

     Dating can be a real struggle in college when the normal thing is to just 'hang out' with a bunch of friends and have no pressure. Hanging out isn't a bad thing, but the result of that puts the meaning of dating into a higher level. Somewhere in the mix, our generation has confused courtship with dating! Men and women don't exactly know the expectations of the date because they read into it too much or, because of the redefined word of dating, expect too much. 

    More and more I have found that men are shying away from asking a girl on a date. They take a little bit of planning, yes. They take someone to pay for it, yes. They take to people to be paired off, yes. But in the end they are so worth it.

"Elder Dallin H. Oaks provided a brilliant operational definition for the word "date" in his seminal CES Fireside about the importance of dating as opposed to hanging out. According to his definition, for a date to contribute to a pattern that could potentially mature into marriage, it should be paid for, planned ahead and paired off. I'm sure we're all familiar with this talk and the concept of the "three p's."

     Now what do these three P's have to do with an eternal perspective?

Provide ---> Paid for

Preside --->Planned

Protect --->Paired off

When we look at the family proclamation, there are three roles of the males that they are responsible to fulfill. It was neat to link them to dating. When we go on dates, we offer men the chance to practice providing, presiding, and protecting. Then. . . how do we as women practice nurturing when dating?

Nurturing their CONFIDENCE. It takes so much courage for a man to walk up to a women and ask them on a date. If we women but only nurtured their confidence by responding happily, and willing. . . Oh what that would do for a man. We can even answer excitedly and ask them how they are going to plan. "What did you have in mind?"

When we go on a date, it does not mean marriage. . . It does not mean that you two are exclusive! It simply gives the two of you the opportunity to get to know one another and practice our roles as men and women. 

“Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.” -Elder Oaks

(There are other wonderful snips of advice from our general authorities like the quote I just shared on: Advice from Prophets on dating)

    So the next time you get asked out on a date, I hope that you remember that it is just a date. . . a date to have fun! A date to really enjoy one another and let each other practice our roles.

    One of my favorite dates that I had before I got married to Jedd, was when we snow shoeing out in Island Park. We both were on the date to have fun, get to know each other and enjoy the outdoors. We were racing, pushing each other in the snow and realizing that we both enjoyed one anthers company! 

Women vs Men?

     Should I say that it is even a vs in-between those two words. It's not a competition or comparison. With those two words it is only something complete. Men and women give something so wonderful to the world and to each other, we couldn't go without one or the other. 

    In my religion class, The Eternal Families, we were asked to ponder what we enjoyed and were grateful for about our opposite gender. We were then asked why we were grateful to be the gender we are today. It put into perspective for me that I am grateful for my roles, but I am also grateful for my husbands role, which is different then mine, because together we can complete things I didn't think were possible when I was single. 

     Today the roles of men and women are changing, and simply demeaning them as a whole. There is a lot going on that puts down the role of the man in a relationship and even the female. I like to really ponder the great characteristics that a man does have, and what makes him a man. It has to do with what is on the outside, and also who he is as a person and his soul. Think about the woman as well, and what makes her a women.

     There was a study done on children. . . toddlers per say, and how the choices between boy and girl things start young. They were put in a room with blue toys, dump trucks, race cars and so forth. In the room there was also pink toys, baby dolls and strollers. Typically, and more often then not the boys would choose the typical boy toys and the girls would choose the typical girl toys. Think about the girls who chose the boy toys though, and how one would react to it. There is even a name for it, a tomboy. Now think a little boy who chooses a baby doll, and has the characteristic to be nurturing. . .  would he get a nick name like the girl did? If so, does that nickname have a good context to it?

     Children are not thinking about being gay or who they are attracted to at that age in their life. So when we label them that early, it puts them in a weird place all their life. If we would just teach our children at a young age the principles of men and women and how they both play a central role, and play with our children in a way that lets them practice this role and use it for good, the roles of men and women will be more separated and clear. If your son wanted to play barbies, play with him! . . . and let him take the role of Ken. 

     I just want to simply bear my testimony on the roles of men and women because I feel that the world today is a little bit foggy on that specific topic. I was fortunate enough to marry a man who feels the responsibility of providing for our home, presiding in our home, and protecting me and our future family. He respects my wants and wishes but also responsibility to be a stay at home mother nurturing my littles. 

    I feel that these couple talks really emphasize, put into perspective, and puts into words the importance of men and women and their roles together as a couple raising a family. 

Mothers Who Know 

Let Us Be Men

Brethren, We Have A Work To Do

Mother In Zion

     I know that men and women's needs are difference as well, and sometimes from the opposite gender perspective they can be intense or dramatic. Although they are valid needs, here is a little video showing how the needs are really different in a fun/funny way. I know that when my husband reaches out to understand how I am feeling and cares for me, no body else can make me feel the way he does. I know he loves and cares for me. I am grateful to be a woman, married to a handsome gentleman who acts like a man, &treats me like a lady. 

Women Vs Men Sarcasm  -Enjoy

     

Family Traditions

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chirstmas! They're all coming up so fast!

Family and family traditions are what come to mind too.

I am just getting into blending family traditions and this will be my first Thanksgiving or Christmas with my husband and the Tibbitts side of the family. Jedd and I have talked about what traditions we would like to keep with our family and children, but how do you know which ones to keep and which you would rather not ?

Traditions: inherited patterns of beliefs or behavior

It isn't a bad thing to discard some traditions your family had and it's not a bad thing to keep some. You grew up in a family enjoying family time, and what you all did together. When you get married though, you are opened up to two options or ways you can do things, and it is an exciting time to decide how you want to have you children grow up. It actually really has a big effect on a greater scale because our children go out into the world and share the things they learn in the home. I loved this quote by President Kimball “The nation is built upon the foundation of its homes and the home upon its families.” It is such a privilege to have the opportunity to have such an effect. We can really change the world by what we teach our children and the traditions that we set. Isn't that amazing?

Family can be so fun and the time you spend together is so great.

Some of my favorite traditions were from Christmas. All of the kids would (try to) sleep in the same room, and wait for Santa to come. We would wake up to Christmas music playing, a video camera on us (definitely at our best, haha), and then we would walk either up or down the stairs youngest to oldest to go see Christmas. We had a huge breakfast afterwards! It was fun and we always had a good time at Christmas. 

Now your traditions aren't always holiday traditions. They can incorporate your values, everyday life, and things that you just do all the time. Your kids take most of things with them when they leave home. The habits of family prayer, scripture study, Saturday clean day, even the way that you like to wash clothes. The things they take might be exactly what you did, or it might be something that they want to do differently in their home.  But either way parents have a great influence on their children! 

I am excited to decide how Jedd and I will spend the holidays this year. Even more important I am excited to decide the traditions in my home, and how I want to influence my future family.

I love the songs that EFY puts out for youth, and there is one on the family that I thought I would share. While listening to it, think about what you want with your family. . . 

What does family mean to you?

EFY What Family Means to