When I got married, what exactly did I know about marital intimacy? You might be thinking about the physical part which is just as important, but I think sometimes we skip a step. . . we skip an important step!
I honestly had a hard time being required to write a blog about the chapter we had to read about this week and the discussions we had in class, but I decided that I would try to take a different approach to this because it is a good thing to understand.
We are taught in school with the fifth grade videos, and middle school videos what happens to our bodies as we hit puberty. The physical side of things is the only part talked about when we have the birds and bees talk later in life as well. We are taught to "bridle our passions that we may be filled with love" (Alma 38:12). This is so good know because the natural man is an enemy to God. What I learned this week though changed my perspective on why it is a good idea to wait until after marriage to have the physical part of intimacy with your special someone, and to gain trust, a safe place, and a loving relationship before you decide to marry and show affection in a more physical way.
It is really neat to have all my classes overlap some weeks, and this was a special week that it did. In my eternal families class we discussed the law of chastity. There was a wonderful explanation of this by Holland in the talk, Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments (Personal Purity). This talk was actually so popular that you cant get the original without purchasing the book (Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments). Which I would recommend!
The step we skipped! Emotional intimacy before physical intimacy.
There is so much emotion that is present with intimacy. You experience the feelings of closeness, love, charity, vulnerability, and so much more. When you share your deepest thoughts, genuine concerns, and life long dreams with your partner you feel a connection and a bond. When you have that relationship of communication and dependency with your partner it creates an intimacy that should only be shared with them, and you should be committed to that person even in courtship. After you have gained this relationship with them, it is appropriate to share with them your body after marriage because you will truly be united. "When one toys with the God-given-and satanically coveted-body of another, he or she toys with the very soul of that individual, toys with the central purpose and product of life (Holland, Of Souls...)" and takes away the ability to have the feelings of intimacy and closeness with the person before having sex. It is not only about saving yourself and doing what our Heavenly Father wants us to do, but for saving us from the hurt that would come to our souls if we participated in it before we are married. I think he is protecting us from a lot more than we think ;)
Women release a lot of hormones during intercourse. Oxytocin is a main one and is what I would consider the "bonding chemical". This chemical is also released when a women is having a baby, and also when she nurses. . . is it a coincidence that it is released when having intercourse? It binds her to her husband and she feels close to him. More than ever! How amazing! I just think of how hard it would be to know that the person you feel closest to because of sex, isn't completely committed to you. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that the man who holds me at night is devoted to me. I don't ever have to second guess if our relationship will end. We are committed and we show each
other.
Something that I want to share, I would have never thought of when it comes to marital intimacy. Are there boundaries? Are there things we shouldn't do? I was taught all my life that sex was a bad thing, that it just shouldn't be done. . . Until I got married! Now that I am married, what exactly can I do?
We are vulnerable and we could potentially do things that might embarrass us. Intercourse is to build the relationship up, not tear it down in any way. The boundaries when you get married are between you and your spouse. It is important to communicate with each other, and let each other know how you are truly feeling. It is not good to do anything demeaning or embarrassing for your partner. There aren't specific things I can tell you to do, but the natural things that bring good feelings into the relationship are the ones that should be practiced. Find those things with your spouse! It will only make things better!
Lastly I want to leave you with recommendations of books to read. . .
These are great books to read to just understand a little bit more about one another, and the importance of sex after marriage.
It is a good thing, when you do it right. . . and in the right order!
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