We are not striving for compliance, we are striving for respect and obedience.
It is always a battle to always have children obey you. Curfew, bedtime, chores, or even simply them doing something when you ask them to. In class we learned about the parenting styles and ways to help have your children listen to you. I am starting to think that the real battle is having consistent, who follow through and also parents who are clear on their boundaries and rules for their children.
Believe it or not, children are always looking for stability, consistency, and actually thrive with boundaries and rules. Brain development is also part of their growth, and when they learn that they can ultimately get away with something sometimes, or with one parent. . . They are less likely to thrive when they get older.
Picture you driving in your hometown, going 25 in a 25 mph zone that you are very familiar with. Suddenly, you get pulled over by a policeman who is giving you a speeding ticket for going 25 in a 20. You are very confused, and argue with the policeman saying that the sign said 25, and there was no warning that it was now a 20 mph zone. The policeman states that he just didn't like that you were going 25 and you should have known it was going to change to 20 mph next week.
Sometimes this is how things go when parenting your children. We set some boundaries, and maybe we weren't exactly specific enough or clear enough with our children. When they do something that you forgot to mention in their boundaries, but you really didn't like it. . . they get in trouble for it. How confusing for them!
When they are little children, it is good to sit down with your spouse and really communicate the lines that you don't want your children to cross. As they get older it is a good idea to keep those things in place, but start talking to your children about them. We learned about a pyramid that explains how you should discipline your children. I loved it and it made so much sense. I am so excited to use it when I start having children.
I loved how it said that your consequences always lead back to natural consequences. The natural consequence is what would happen to them if you didn't step in at all. So a logical consequence for them leaving their bike out, is to put the bike up in the garage for three days (as if somebody had stolen it), but give them a chance to try again after the three days is up.
- Polite request
- "I" statement
- Firmer
When disciplining, you start with a polite request to "Hey son, please put your bike away". This gives them a chance to obey. If that doesn't seem to get his attention, create an "I" statement that starts with "When you (action). . .I feel (emotion), because (what would happen). . . So I would like you to (what you want him to do). Do you understand?" This lets your child know how you feel and that you care about him. . . not just the fact that you just want him to obey. If he still isn't quite understanding, you become firmer but understanding as well. Raising your voice isn't firm but explaining that now they have no choice and if they do not do it, the consequence that you agreed on will be in place.
Curfew is a big one I think! When your teen is hanging out with friends it seems to be quite hard for them to leave. My teacher came up with a good scenario that made a lot of sense to me. His parents gave him a curfew, and if he wasn't home by that time he wasn't able to hang out with his friends that next week. No exceptions, no "what if's". . . My teacher was late one time because his friend didn't get in the car in time and when he came home he explained things to his parents and they said their goodnights and he thought he was off the hook. The next day he was getting ready for a date, and his dad asked him where he was going. His dad then said, "Shoot that isn't any fun, I'm sorry but we had an agreement." My teacher then called the girl, and the second phone call was to his friend telling him that next time he was just going to leave him haha.
When they learn consistency and that you mean what you say, they will respect it. It makes them feel grown up even if they do become upset. Here is to parenting!
Also, this video is just a crack up. Modern Mom's and their children I guess
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