Managing Conflict

Have you ever been in a restaurant where the couple is just sitting there not talking. . and it isn't a question why they came to a place with a bunch of T.V.'s to watch? I actually did just a couple of weeks ago. . . My husband and I love to go to Buffalo Wild Wings! There is a lot going on in there but we find time to talk and wink at each other and share the ranch ;) I mean and my husband double dips. . . I could definitely be upset about it but I choose to let it go.

In our relationships sometimes we have perpetual problems.  Perpetual problems are underlying assumptions and issues which cannot be grounded and fixed situationally. I bet you that the couple sitting next to us had some perpetual problems that they just couldn't get over. Which is super sad!

There are some happy couples though that haven't fixed their major problems. They married someone who they could forgive super easy, and someone who they could live with.  Since the perpetual issues are perpetual by definition, one must chose a partner whose differences you can live and cope with like strategies and routines to deal with unbridgeable differences. Otherwise, the perpetual problems become hard trials. Instead of forgiving for them for the things they do that bug them, they end up turning against their spouse. 

There is this great talk that we listened to this week in our studies that I really loved and want to share with you. This really puts into perspective that getting rid of those hard feelings can really help us become happier and turn towards our spouse.

Forgiveness- Elder Faust

Lets choose to forgive our spouse for double dipping ;)

Rituals/Magic 5 Hours

Think about the regularity of your week. . Wake up, pack a lunch, say morning prayer, leave for work, come home, eat dinner, relax a bit, go to bed. . . AND THEN WHAT? Repeat it? Because that doesn't sound like an uplifting day to turn towards your spouse or family!

This week I really liked what our Gottman book had to say about rituals and the things that we do during our week. Yes we do have rituals, and maybe we don't even see them as that. When I got married there were things that we did in our marriage that we had to figure out how we were going to do together! Ex; family prayers, and scripture study. In my family we always did them at night time, but in his family they were always done in the morning before school. We had to figure out what worked best for us and create that ritual everyday. There are some rituals that go on like holidays, special events, lovemaking and so on that go on that become what you and your husband do. 

Doing these things can either become special, or just habit. Doing them we create a shared meaning between the family members and you and your spouse! I usually want the things we do to be special and meaningful, so I really try to make them that way.

Another way to keep our time meaningful and special are these special 5 hours in our week, so Gottman says. These five hours come from the in between times that actually really do matter. These times are when your spouse is leaving for work. You have a couple choices here. . . One being you kiss them goodbye and wish them off to have a good day! Or you just yell from your bed, still all snuggled in the blanket "Bye"! Doing these things have a big effect on your marriage. I had a goal to work on some of the activities that Gottman shared in his book to enhance these 5 hours. Here are some:

1. parting: before saying goodbyes in the morning, find out one thing which is happening in the partner’s life that day;
2. reunions: stress-reducing conversations at the end of each workday
3. admiration and appreciation: find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation towards your spouse
4. affection: kiss, hold, grab and touch each other when together
5. weekly date: could be a relaxing low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions [to update your love-maps] and turn towards each other. Talking out a marital issue or working through an argument can also be placed here.

Earlier in this semester we started a habit to go on a date a week which I really have enjoyed. I decided that I am going to work on showing appreciation and admiration when he comes home from work because my husband has a very physically demanding job. I think that by doing this it could really improve our marriage.

I challenge you to choose one of the 5 to work on and see what comes of it in your marriage.

Pride

Sometimes there are problems in our marriage but we can't seem to find the root to them. This week was really good for me to read and see this thing called pride in a different perspective because it was talked about in a marriage point of view.

We did an activity together where we each made a survival list as if we were to be stranded on an island. We made our lists separate and then we talked together and tried to create a list together. We were able to let each other influence on another and that was really good to do. 

Pride is something that can get in the way of a lot of things, like letting your spouse influence you or you listening to your spouse. This activity helped us see how sometimes we can be harsh and prideful even in silly scenario situations.

President Benson shared a talk that was titled "Beware of Pride" that we read this week. His definition of pride helped me understand that sometimes it is not just what we think it is. 

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."

Pride really does come from Satan. He has a lot of hatred and hostility all around his life that he lives and he doesn't want us to be happy. 

President Benson also talked about something that hits hard when talking about marriage. He said " The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

In a marriage sometimes we let the worldly things become more important than Godly things. We need to remember that we married our spouse in the temple and made covenants with God and them to be faithful. We need to continue to turn towards our spouse, and know that their opinion counts and that the power in the relationship is shared. We need to be willing to be unselfish and share our thoughts, and decisions with our spouse. 

Take time this week to do the activity with your spouse and create a list of survival needs/wants with them and see how well you share power in the decisions.

Bid On Your Spouse

D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.

I love this scripture because being weary in a relationship is something that can really get you down. Especially if you are struggling doing the little things. .  Like bidding on your husband!

I loved reading this chapter because I related this concept on bidding to an auction. Most of the time at auctions, you bid on your most favorite item! You bid, you bid, and you bid again until you "Win It"! So why not bid on your husband all the time.

Bidding means an action or something done to get your spouses attention in a positive way, to get positive reactions. Some examples from my spouse is when he tickles me when I am doing the dishes, or he will wink at me when we are riding horses. We connect and get closer this way when we do turn towards one another and bid on each other until we win!

This week in class we read a story that I really enjoyed because I could relate to it. Before I spoil it. . . here it is for you to read!

Fishing in Alaska, Martha Arnell

            One important aspect of a marriage is to show interest in your spouse's interests. Through the years I've tried to be a cheerleader when my husband brought home game after hunting, fishing etc. My father wasn't a hunter or fisherman, so this was a change for me. We have a set of mounted deer and moose antlers on our wall in our family room. Also, since my husband has been into running and especially marathon running, I've tried to be his greatest supporter and cheerleader. We now have 19 marathon medals hanging on the deer antlers in our family room.

    My husband has always desired to travel to Alaska to go fishing in a back-country river-trip. His opportunity came the summer of 2009. Of course, I was also invited. Traveling down a river in a raft all day and camping in tents in the wilds each night along the side of the river was not my greatest desire (I enjoy camping in my fifth wheel!). Anyway, I committed to my husband that I would go on the trip, support him, and not complain. The first day on our week-long river-trip, some no-see-um bugs and some horsefly type bugs bit my ears and face. When I awoke in the tent the next morning I felt strange with large swollen ears and eyes. I luckily had brought some over-the-counter allergy medicine, which helped somewhat with the swelling. But the greatest help was the blessing I asked for from my husband that morning outside our tent. He enjoyed his trip greatly, a life-time experience. I didn't complain and survived my bitten face, which took another month to look normal.

            --Martha Arnell

This story hit home for me because my husband and I are going to Alaska in 2 weeks! We will be camping by rivers throughout our trip and we will be fishing . . but hopefully not getting bit by big bugs! Yikes. I learned a lot from this story because she really did turn to her husband and thought of him before herself. I was impressed with this and hope to mimic her on my trip. 

Turning and bidding on your spouse is really important in relationships. You don't want to miss out on opportunities to build each other up and also your relationships. 

Bid on your spouse and win him/her over! Don't be weary in this small well doing, it is well worth the while and great relationship.

Nurturing Fondness&Admiration

As I go day to day, I notice the little things that make me a little irritated. Why couldn't you just rinse off your dish and put it in the dishwasher, or put your dirty cloths in the hamper? 

Sometimes we tend to focus on the negative in our relationship. There was a student at BYU-I who stated that it got so bad for her focusing on the negative that she could hardly remember the good in her relationship. She and I both, read in Gottman's Book, and he challenged the reader to think about the details that led up to you getting married to your significant other. Her and I were both filled with positive feelings and memories as we recounted that time in our life. Here is her experience: 

Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

Story from student at BYU-Idaho used with permission

          "There have been times in my marriage when I have wondered whether my husband was the right one to marry or if I had made the wrong decision. That sounds awful, I know, but that thought has gone through my head, along with many others. It is hard to hold on to the good memories when times are tough in a marriage. I tend to dwell on my negative thoughts and emotions that I am feeling at the moment and forget all the good times my husband and I have shared together. It had gotten to the point that I was having a hard time remembering the good times we used to have. All I could remember was the heartache and struggle.

          After reading the chapter on fondness and admiration, it completely changed my attitude toward my husband when times got tough. In the book it asked the question for us to recall the details that lead to my decision to marry my husband. As I began to do this I remembered the good times and noticed my attitude began to change and I started looking at him for who he really is. Once I started doing this I started to be softened, less irritated, and more patient with him and even life. In turn, he was reciprocating kind acts and gestures. Completing the activity on nurturing fondness and admiration was great because I believe it helped change my attitude towards my husband and our relationship."

After reading this I too reflected on how doing this really helped me see my husband for the awesome man that he is and focus more on what I really do love about him. I think that this nurturing fondness and admiration, that Gottman talks about is really important in marriage. Focusing on the positive can really help us in our marriage be closer to one another and help us to easily take on change and challenges with our positive mind set towards one another. 

My husband and I went through about a 2 week period where we really couldn't figure out what was wrong with us. We weren't upset or mad at one another but we also weren't thriving in our relationship. We seemed stuck. I had taken a class earlier that had read this book and we both decided to do the activity where we focus on the positives of one another and things really started to change for us. How we thought affected our actions, and those actions continued to improve one anothers thoughts. It was a good change for us to have.

I liked listening to the talk of President Eyring, he states that for a good marriage each spouse has the other persons needs in front of their own. I feel that this is a big key in successful marriages. I have learned that it is about loving and being selfless. Lets all have the goal to have no empty seats in our families. Here is a link to that wonderful video of a testimony of companionship and marriage!

Our Perfect Example

If we pray to have our spouses sorrows lifted and for their happiness I know that we will become happier in our marriages. 

This week my husband and I started a weekly date night, and we really enjoyed our first date. . . we put on our basketball clothes and went to go play basketball at the park! We laughed and talked with eachother and were teasing and flirting too! It felt so good, and the milkshake after was just what put the cherry on top.

Start now, and really nurture your relationship. Let go of what is irritating you and see the good in your spouse.

Magic Relationship Ratio

When you think about your bank account and how much you withdraw from it each month. . . Think about how much do you need to put it so it doesn't go empty? Do you put in just the bare minimum so that when all the bills are paid and the groceries are bought. . there is none to spare?

In relationships, we interact with someone in ways that either take out of our account with them or deposit something in. When we deposit, we have done something positive to interact with them and there is positive interaction. When we withdraw from them we acted in a negative manner resulting in taking out the money. 

John Gottman suggests a magic ratio for how much we interact positively to how much we interact negatively to keep our relationship strong. He suggests that for every one negative thing that goes on we do 5 positive things to counteract it. Here is a video that was shared in this weeks class, that helped me understand it better.

The Magic Ratio

He says that this ratio is a ratio that goes on in relationships that work. It suggests that we really want to keep that bank account full. when we withdraw from that account, we want there to be room for that negativity to not make our account go negative. 

Having experience being married, it is fun to reflect on our relationship and what I do or how I react when I do something negative or withdraw from our account together. Apologies are very common in our relationship, and then I usually cook his favorite something or other and then participate in something that he likes to do. My husband is also very good at being cooperative and apologetic which really is just what I want. Sometimes I just need to feel loved in a situation when I feel like he is withdrawing from our account and he does a great job of that too. 

God intended for man not to be alone, and when I look at how our relationships work. . . we each bring something to the table that is a strength. I am grateful for my husband and how much he works on our relationship! Our bank account never seems to be empty because of his sweetness! 

What are some things that you do in your relationships to not make them go negative?

Here are some things that Jedd and I do together :)

-Have family councils together to openly talk about things ahead and things that we are going through to bring us closer together

-Serve one another so we are focused on the positive

-Take each other on dates

-Every Sunday say 5 new things we like about each other

-Consciously think about how we are saying something, what we are saying, and if it would hurt the other persons feelings

Try some of these things this week and see how your results turn out.

Covenant Marriage

I liked reading the Ensign Article by Bruce C. Hafen. As I was preparing to be married and go through the temple, I thought that this really was a fairy tale ending! I had married my price and no more troubles were coming my way. We had made it to the temple and all was well :) 

I am not saying that we don't marry our happily every after, I am just saying maybe we should redefine "No more troubles" or "Happily Ever After" 

When we get married, it seems that Satan works on us even harder to try to break our families apart. But as we stick to our covenants, and the atonement of Jesus Christ, and most importantly our companion. . . WE HAVE SO MUCH IN STORE!!

My Happily Ever After consists of talking through hard situations but always keeping peace, going on date nights after a long hard work and school week to help one another, picking out a cool rental car while we decide what we are going to do after our car has been totaled! Keeping our covenants also, and going to the temple helps us to create our own personal happily ever after with our families. Covenants with our spouse in the temple is the new and everlasting covenant. In Doctrine and Covenants 131: 1-4 it talks about how we, in order to obtain the highest degree of glory need to get married in the temple and enter into that covenant. 

When we go about facing our trials and temptations in marriage we need to look and realize that we are in a covenant and not a contract. We can see how we treat our spouses and understand what we think we are in! Do a self evaluation, and think if you are more a hireling or a shepherd. In the article it compares a hireling and how when the hireling sees the wolf coming he will leave the sheep, but the shepherd will stay and lay down its life because it cares and wont drop the contract at will. 

I want to be a hireling in my marriage, and have my husband know that I will always work and do things to help our marriage succeed. 

What are some ways that we can show that we truly are living in a covenant marriage and not a contract marriage?

Divorce

Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a nurse and travel the world and be a piolot and an astronaut and also be a princess. . . Oh Oh no I want to be a rodeo queen and also be a mom and have eight kids! I want to marry a prince and then . . . Get a divorce!! I know that when I was younger I wanted to be a lot of things, but I knew getting a divorce was not one of them!

 My parents are divorced and I knew everything that comes along with getting a divorce. It was said well by Holland, “Some of the best people get a divorce” I told my spouse that when we get married he is eternally stuck with me! I definitely married a good one though. He is a keeper!

Divorce is not a bad thing, and sometimes it is necessary! But with the gospel a lot of things are possible. It is not impossible to make a bad marriage work and improve on it! Never give up, always keep trying. When I first got married I think one of the best pieces of advice is to not sweat the small stuff and to be selfless. Marriage is probably one of the most selfless things and I am coming to know this the longer I am married.

There was a video that I wanted to share with you about divorce that I think would really shed some light on  it and make it a good thing I think. Being LDS, sometimes I feel that they don’t accept divorces as well but I think its just the fact that in reality they don’t want anyone to give up. There are certain circumstances that allow divorce and make it a needful thing and I think this video does a great job explaining some of those situations. It is by Elder Oaks!

 Video On Divorce By Elder Oaks

Most girls don’t grow up saying that they want to get a divorce, but sometimes that is what your life calls for. I am so grateful for my devoted husband who lives in his marriage selflessly, and is always thinking of me and our marriage.

Divorce &the Hardships

Divorce is a hard word. It's getting a lot more common now a days too. It makes me kind of sad to think about too! I had the opportunity to be apart of a family that was blended. I learned a lot about myself and what I thought was important, and a lot about how I want my family to be.
I know there are certain circumstances that require divorce and when it is necessary it is a good thing, but I want to focus on emotional divorce. . . it is a step in the divorce process! There are also ways that you can transform your marriage from this.
Emotional divorce is when you are still with your spouse but there is no connection or happy feelings between the two of you. You basically cohabit and live in the same house with a piece of paper keeping the two of you together! You are selfish in your ways and are thinking about yourself most of the time, and you are swimming in a consumerism marriage.

I just think of how sad I would find that to be. Really though, why can't we keep the firing burning all throughout our marriage like the first couple months?! I mean I know I am just a newly wed but I have seen this happiness in my own parents, and my grandparents. The fire is there. . . &sometimes I can obviously see that they still love each other just as much! I love that! When you are an example with your love, your children will pass that on. How wonderful.

There are a couple things that can help this! I learned in this class and also my marriage skills class how there are soft things that we have problems with in our marriage and also hard things. You might just be super annoyed that your spouse never helps with the dishes. . . that they never pick up after themselves (these things you need to look past yourself for, and really try to communicate with your spouse). . . or it might be the hard things like abuse, affairs, or addiction (these are the ones that you will have to work hard to overcome, but sometimes it's okay to leave).

Counseling can really help. It is a good idea to go together because instead of finding someone to side with you, you are working with your spouse through the problems that you have. Those who are contemplating divorce and who go to individual counseling, they are more likely to get a divorce if they hadn't gone in at all. So make sure that when you go into counseling, you are looking for support of the marriage, not just of you.

Be mindful that marriage is selfless. You look past the imperfections and love them. You don't get frustrated, you communicate and make sure they understand you and you understand them. Keep your words soft, and your hugs/kisses constant. Let go of the worldly things and cleave unto your spouse. Make them feel so important. It is our job as their spouse to provide support, love (LOTS of love), kind words, confidence, self worth and so much more to our spouse. Don't give them a reason to be upset! Try as hard as you can through the hard times, because you will come out stronger! It is so satisfying to have challenges and go through it with someone because you feel connected in a strong way.

Jedd and I have prayed together and have studied our scriptures together to make sure that we both have the spirit with us, and also because it really does enhance the happiness of our marriage. I would suggest finding things that you both enjoy doing together. . and go and actually do them! Plan time together where you both enjoy the recreational activity. You'll find yourself laughing, and remembering that life with them is happy. I know that because Jedd and I have a regular date night, we always renew our relationship. By renewing something, like a library book. . . You get to initially keep it for longer! With your marriage you get to keep the feelings alive for longer. Who doesn't want that?

Be happy :) and remember why you married them. Let go of the small things and your pride.

Children=Obeying. Simple?

We are not striving for compliance, we are striving for respect and obedience.

It is always a battle to always have children obey you. Curfew, bedtime, chores, or even simply them doing something when you ask them to. In class we learned about the parenting styles and ways to help have your children listen to you. I am starting to think that the real battle is having consistent, who follow through and also parents who are clear on their boundaries and rules for their children.

Believe it or not, children are always looking for stability, consistency, and actually thrive with boundaries and rules. Brain development is also part of their growth, and when they learn that they can ultimately get away with something sometimes, or with one parent. . . They are less likely to thrive when they get older. 

Picture you driving in your hometown, going 25 in a 25 mph zone that you are very familiar with. Suddenly, you get pulled over by a policeman who is giving you a speeding ticket for going 25 in a 20. You are very confused, and argue with the policeman saying that the sign said 25, and there was no warning that it was now a 20 mph zone. The policeman states that he just didn't like that you were going 25 and you should have known it was going to change to 20 mph next week. 

Sometimes this is how things go when parenting your children. We set some boundaries, and maybe we weren't exactly specific enough or clear enough with our children. When they do something that you forgot to mention in their boundaries, but you really didn't like it. . . they get in trouble for it. How confusing for them! 

When they are little children, it is good to sit down with your spouse and really communicate the lines that you don't want your children to cross.  As they get older it is a good idea to keep those things in place, but start talking to your children about them. We learned about a pyramid that explains how you should discipline your children. I loved it and it made so much sense. I am so excited to use it when I start having children. 

I loved how it said that your consequences always lead back to natural consequences. The natural consequence is what would happen to them if you didn't step in at all. So a logical consequence for them leaving their bike out, is to put the bike up in the garage for three days (as if somebody had stolen it), but give them a chance to try again after the three days is up. 

- Polite request

- "I" statement

- Firmer

When disciplining, you start with a polite request to "Hey son, please put your bike away". This gives them a chance to obey. If that doesn't seem to get his attention, create an "I" statement that starts with "When you (action). . .I feel (emotion), because (what would happen). . . So I would like you to (what you want him to do). Do you understand?" This lets your child know how you feel and that you care about him. . . not just the fact that you just want him to obey. If he still isn't quite understanding, you become firmer but understanding as well. Raising your voice isn't firm but explaining that now they have no choice and if they do not do it, the consequence that you agreed on will be in place. 

Curfew is a big one I think! When your teen is hanging out with friends it seems to be quite hard for them to leave. My teacher came up with a good scenario that made a lot of sense to me. His parents gave him a curfew, and if he wasn't home by that time he wasn't able to hang out with his friends that next week. No exceptions, no "what if's". . . My teacher was late one time because his friend didn't get in the car in time and when he came home he explained things to his parents and they said their goodnights and he thought he was off the hook. The next day he was getting ready for a date, and his dad asked him where he was going. His dad then said, "Shoot that isn't any fun, I'm sorry but we had an agreement." My teacher then called the girl, and the second phone call was to his friend telling him that next time he was just going to leave him haha. 

When they learn consistency and that you mean what you  say, they will respect it. It makes them feel grown up even if they do become upset. Here is to parenting!

Also, this video is just a crack up. Modern Mom's and their children I guess

Parenting Tips from Studio C

Money from my Honey

    He leaves early for work, and you pack him a lunch. . . His favorite chips maybe and some left over homemade cookies from yesterday's family home evening. Your children start getting up! Mom Mom Mom! Breakfast somehow gets made, with the hair in bows and brushed. (It's sometimes a question about the teeth being brushed, haha) Cold lunch assembly line starts! The brown paper bags are filled, to later fill your kids stomachs during lunch time. On a good day you'll write a sweet note on their napkin to let them know how much you love them. 

     Your day goes on as you find the best coupons for groceries! Wahoo, basically finding the best deals of the day. You do your laundry, and listen to a conference talk while you fold the fresh, warm shirts and socks. You get a poster for your child's school project, get the dog more dog food (Oh wait, I am out in public. . . did you have time to get your hair done. . . Make-up? . . . eh, skip it the kids will be home in 30 minutes) You put dinner in the crock-pot so it is ready to go after basketball practice!

     It might only be until before the kids get home from school, but I think you get it. . . days get long, the job list gets even longer. . . But can you put a price on it?

     In my class this week, we studied the effects of the mother working outside of the home and actually studied a case study of a family. The family had the mom working because they felt things at home were getting tight with money. They had three boys whose ages were 8, 12, and 16. He worked full time making $42,000 a year, and she worked part time making $21,000 a year. They decided they wanted to find out the total benefits of her working for the family. The accountant they were working with really took everything that was effected from her working. They took the emotional effects of her children, the absence of her in the home, the stress that it gave her not being able to feel on top of her jobs at home, the daycare bills they paid, the eating out they did because of her not having time to cook, the effects her husband had of trying to fill in. . . and really there are so many more things that played a part that they counted. In reality they put the numbers in the equation and they should have come out on top. At the end of the day, she and her husband were taken by surprise when they found out that their income for the year came out to be only $41,000.

     I have had the opportunity this week to spend time with my mother in law, and we had the chance to talk about this class. She has some amazing recipes, stellar coupon sites and coupons, children who  have strong testimonies and who took some of her traits with them, sewing abilities, and so much more. I loved what she said to me about all of this, 

"I want to be so good at what I do, that my husband can't afford me to work outside of the home"

     What does she do then? She does exactly the scenario I described of a normal day up there^ and then some. She dedicates her self and contributes so much to the family that if she left there would be a huge deficit. She is really so good at what she does, and I have loved learning from her.

     So how do you live off of one income? I have tried a lot of ways, and there are so many books you can read but it all comes down to how to budget the money from your honey. My honey works so hard, and I want him to not stress about money and know that I am grateful for what he provides. 

     These last two weeks Jedd and I are trying something different. We have laid out some money, and decided what our categories are for where are money goes for the month, and we have put a certain amount of money in each envelope. Groceries, phone, and gas are some of our categories. But one of our favorites is our "Mad Money"! We both get some money to spend whenever we want, and wherever we want! This has been fun because it also helps us get the things we actually really do want. I am excited to see the results from this form of budgeting. 

     I am going to strive to be the best that I can be at being a homemaker that Jedd can't afford me working anywhere else! You cannot put a price on homemaking and motherhood. The money from your honey can go a long way, if you do things that are right for your family. I really am excited to step outside the normals today, and become rich in happiness from the success that I create right inside the walls of my own home. 

    

     

Communication

Communicate, they say! It's as easy as that, they say!

For me it always has not been that easy. I am always debating how I should say something, or maybe I just won't say it because I feel like it will hurt the other persons feelings too much. What I didn't realize is that probably more of what I communicate comes from my body language, my nonverbal communication. 

Non-verbal communication can be your actions, like slamming a door, or just simply walking away. You are really saying so much by doing those things! Now I don't have much of a temper, usually I just become quiet. . . But that is saying so much as well. In a marriage, each spouse takes their life experiences and assumes behavior meanings based on those. I always thought that silence meant that something was wrong, but maybe to my husband it means "Oh, I am just thinking and processing what you said." So how do we know what the other person really means?

You have to first communicate, to communicate. I don't ever think this goes away either. Once you feel like you figured something out about how your spouse communicates a message, you have a new one to decode. There are a lot of things that go into the decoding of messages too. The tone of voice, facial expressions, hand movements, the actual words used and with all of these things it actually becomes difficult. We are influenced with meanings all throughout our lives and it might be difficult trying to figure out what they are really saying to you. It just takes a lot of patience.

When we communicate it is very important to have clarification, or transparency of the message. You can do this by asking a simply question, "If I am understanding right, you are meaning. . ." This allows for the person trying to send a message the opportunity to understand what they are trying to say and feel and to validate your thoughts. Something to do also, is to validate your spouses feelings. When we are upset we are looking for someone to understand us. If the person who understands us is the one who makes us mad, it is likely that our fire will be put out. 

Even when we are not arguing, it is good for clarification. It is more likely that one will keep doing things that you like if you communicate with them and tell them that you enjoy it and appreciate it when they. . . "Help with the dishes" or "Give you a hug and a kiss when they come home"

I have been aware of my communication this week, I communicate mostly non verbally by my sighs, or smiles, or even how I show affection. It is amazing to see how my husband so quickly picks up on those things without me even saying a word. 

My goal this week, is to really observe Jedd and know how he acts in certain situations. I will be better able to communicate with him because I know how he is feelings without him talking to me. 

Being aware of what we feel and how we communicate that is really big. I hope that we can all focus a little more on our actions, tones, and words because it all counts. 

We all have different needs, and we all have the desire of something. Let's be clear in our cries for help in those times of need! Don't get angry, or upset. We act irrationally when we are in those emotions. Evaluate how you feel, why you are feeling that way and ask for help or some one to listen.

The BEST counsel from my teacher this week-

Give the Benefit Of the Doubt

Our spouses never intentionally mean to offend us, or make us feel angry or really anything other than happy. If we give them the benefit of the doubt all the time, we realize we are not perfect either. We come to love them because we don't get frustrated that often. Our communication increases because we turn to clarifying instead of becoming defensive.

Take time to communicate effectively this week. Notice, and try to communicate by those things that you see.

Stress. Is. Good.

Ya know, I feel like some of the time I am a pretty stressful person. I have a lot going on in my life, and usually at some of the most inconvenient times. But imagine your life without stress!

   Take just a second and picture yourself never having to rush your kids to school, never having 100 errands to run in 1 hour, never having to make meals, cook dinner, or doing laundry ever again! You would become like an astronaut that has been in space for too long. The number one health threat for an astronaut is to actually not have the stress of gravity readily available to them. Their muscles start deteriorating, and they are not as strong as they used to be. We would become just this!

     Without stress, we wouldn't become strong individuals with opportunities presented in front of us.

Did you know that we control our stress reactions? Also, our body hears everything our mind says?! This was actually the most fascinating thing that I learned this week. Stress actually becomes 10x harder for us when we express "Oh, this is going to be just terrible!" If we were to react in such a way that our bodies realize that what we are going through isn't so bad, we learn that stress is okay and that we can make it through. We become positive to stress, and the outcomes of stress help us with the things that are going to happen in our future.

Now this class was focused on family stress not so much individual stress so I want to focus on some things for the family, specifically mine.

Backstory:

     We have been living in a basement this semester here in Rexburg. We thought we were leaving this winter semester for somewhere else and we didn't get too cozy in our basement nook. Well, lately I have learned that plans are not plans, sometimes they are only ideas, haha. Long story short, we are not going to Florida. Jedd has expressed how he wants to more feel like he is coming home, this next semester. It is definitely a little bit stressful going to school full time and being a wife. . . but oh my goodness it is making me such a better person. That's a story for another time but here is what I want to get to.

     This weekend Jedd went hunting! His dad and brother put in for a hunt and were all able to go. I was super excited for him and I am still crossing my fingers that he gets something ;) . . . I stayed home to work on school and catch up on laundry at the laundry mat. I decided since my list consisted of more then just those things I would write a list and name it good, better, and best so I felt like I wasn't going to be as stressed out. I saw all of these things that I was doing for myself, and sometimes Jedd and I like laundry. . . But I decided to write on there "Make Our House A HOME!" And what is better then doing something for someone else? So I decided I would quick get my homework done really quick, and get started.

-desk
-study room
-clean out closet
-tupper wares
-a little decoration
-yummy 'home' smells
-laundry
-vacuuming
-organizing
-decluttering
- cleaning
(only a few on the list. . . I know I know, you moms out there beat mine, lol)

Not to say the least, I could have gotten a lot of other things done but I decided I would do something for my husband and make him feel at home. I did have other things to get done but somehow my stress disappeared and I knew everything was going to be alright. I mean, I got my homework done. . . right? Plus I added in some things that I love to do. I did a few crafts with meal prep and vacuuming!
     Stress is a good things in our lives if we take it and see it as an opportunity to grow and become better. We should start telling ourselves that "We can do it", and "It's really all going to be okay." I mean, the man upstairs is in charge anyways.

P.S. Jedd comes home tomorrow and I am super excited for him to come home! . . .
P.P.S. I'll show you some things that I made this weekend. . .  I love using my hands!