Divorce &the Hardships

Divorce is a hard word. It's getting a lot more common now a days too. It makes me kind of sad to think about too! I had the opportunity to be apart of a family that was blended. I learned a lot about myself and what I thought was important, and a lot about how I want my family to be.
I know there are certain circumstances that require divorce and when it is necessary it is a good thing, but I want to focus on emotional divorce. . . it is a step in the divorce process! There are also ways that you can transform your marriage from this.
Emotional divorce is when you are still with your spouse but there is no connection or happy feelings between the two of you. You basically cohabit and live in the same house with a piece of paper keeping the two of you together! You are selfish in your ways and are thinking about yourself most of the time, and you are swimming in a consumerism marriage.

I just think of how sad I would find that to be. Really though, why can't we keep the firing burning all throughout our marriage like the first couple months?! I mean I know I am just a newly wed but I have seen this happiness in my own parents, and my grandparents. The fire is there. . . &sometimes I can obviously see that they still love each other just as much! I love that! When you are an example with your love, your children will pass that on. How wonderful.

There are a couple things that can help this! I learned in this class and also my marriage skills class how there are soft things that we have problems with in our marriage and also hard things. You might just be super annoyed that your spouse never helps with the dishes. . . that they never pick up after themselves (these things you need to look past yourself for, and really try to communicate with your spouse). . . or it might be the hard things like abuse, affairs, or addiction (these are the ones that you will have to work hard to overcome, but sometimes it's okay to leave).

Counseling can really help. It is a good idea to go together because instead of finding someone to side with you, you are working with your spouse through the problems that you have. Those who are contemplating divorce and who go to individual counseling, they are more likely to get a divorce if they hadn't gone in at all. So make sure that when you go into counseling, you are looking for support of the marriage, not just of you.

Be mindful that marriage is selfless. You look past the imperfections and love them. You don't get frustrated, you communicate and make sure they understand you and you understand them. Keep your words soft, and your hugs/kisses constant. Let go of the worldly things and cleave unto your spouse. Make them feel so important. It is our job as their spouse to provide support, love (LOTS of love), kind words, confidence, self worth and so much more to our spouse. Don't give them a reason to be upset! Try as hard as you can through the hard times, because you will come out stronger! It is so satisfying to have challenges and go through it with someone because you feel connected in a strong way.

Jedd and I have prayed together and have studied our scriptures together to make sure that we both have the spirit with us, and also because it really does enhance the happiness of our marriage. I would suggest finding things that you both enjoy doing together. . and go and actually do them! Plan time together where you both enjoy the recreational activity. You'll find yourself laughing, and remembering that life with them is happy. I know that because Jedd and I have a regular date night, we always renew our relationship. By renewing something, like a library book. . . You get to initially keep it for longer! With your marriage you get to keep the feelings alive for longer. Who doesn't want that?

Be happy :) and remember why you married them. Let go of the small things and your pride.

Children=Obeying. Simple?

We are not striving for compliance, we are striving for respect and obedience.

It is always a battle to always have children obey you. Curfew, bedtime, chores, or even simply them doing something when you ask them to. In class we learned about the parenting styles and ways to help have your children listen to you. I am starting to think that the real battle is having consistent, who follow through and also parents who are clear on their boundaries and rules for their children.

Believe it or not, children are always looking for stability, consistency, and actually thrive with boundaries and rules. Brain development is also part of their growth, and when they learn that they can ultimately get away with something sometimes, or with one parent. . . They are less likely to thrive when they get older. 

Picture you driving in your hometown, going 25 in a 25 mph zone that you are very familiar with. Suddenly, you get pulled over by a policeman who is giving you a speeding ticket for going 25 in a 20. You are very confused, and argue with the policeman saying that the sign said 25, and there was no warning that it was now a 20 mph zone. The policeman states that he just didn't like that you were going 25 and you should have known it was going to change to 20 mph next week. 

Sometimes this is how things go when parenting your children. We set some boundaries, and maybe we weren't exactly specific enough or clear enough with our children. When they do something that you forgot to mention in their boundaries, but you really didn't like it. . . they get in trouble for it. How confusing for them! 

When they are little children, it is good to sit down with your spouse and really communicate the lines that you don't want your children to cross.  As they get older it is a good idea to keep those things in place, but start talking to your children about them. We learned about a pyramid that explains how you should discipline your children. I loved it and it made so much sense. I am so excited to use it when I start having children. 

I loved how it said that your consequences always lead back to natural consequences. The natural consequence is what would happen to them if you didn't step in at all. So a logical consequence for them leaving their bike out, is to put the bike up in the garage for three days (as if somebody had stolen it), but give them a chance to try again after the three days is up. 

- Polite request

- "I" statement

- Firmer

When disciplining, you start with a polite request to "Hey son, please put your bike away". This gives them a chance to obey. If that doesn't seem to get his attention, create an "I" statement that starts with "When you (action). . .I feel (emotion), because (what would happen). . . So I would like you to (what you want him to do). Do you understand?" This lets your child know how you feel and that you care about him. . . not just the fact that you just want him to obey. If he still isn't quite understanding, you become firmer but understanding as well. Raising your voice isn't firm but explaining that now they have no choice and if they do not do it, the consequence that you agreed on will be in place. 

Curfew is a big one I think! When your teen is hanging out with friends it seems to be quite hard for them to leave. My teacher came up with a good scenario that made a lot of sense to me. His parents gave him a curfew, and if he wasn't home by that time he wasn't able to hang out with his friends that next week. No exceptions, no "what if's". . . My teacher was late one time because his friend didn't get in the car in time and when he came home he explained things to his parents and they said their goodnights and he thought he was off the hook. The next day he was getting ready for a date, and his dad asked him where he was going. His dad then said, "Shoot that isn't any fun, I'm sorry but we had an agreement." My teacher then called the girl, and the second phone call was to his friend telling him that next time he was just going to leave him haha. 

When they learn consistency and that you mean what you  say, they will respect it. It makes them feel grown up even if they do become upset. Here is to parenting!

Also, this video is just a crack up. Modern Mom's and their children I guess

Parenting Tips from Studio C