Managing Conflict

Have you ever been in a restaurant where the couple is just sitting there not talking. . and it isn't a question why they came to a place with a bunch of T.V.'s to watch? I actually did just a couple of weeks ago. . . My husband and I love to go to Buffalo Wild Wings! There is a lot going on in there but we find time to talk and wink at each other and share the ranch ;) I mean and my husband double dips. . . I could definitely be upset about it but I choose to let it go.

In our relationships sometimes we have perpetual problems.  Perpetual problems are underlying assumptions and issues which cannot be grounded and fixed situationally. I bet you that the couple sitting next to us had some perpetual problems that they just couldn't get over. Which is super sad!

There are some happy couples though that haven't fixed their major problems. They married someone who they could forgive super easy, and someone who they could live with.  Since the perpetual issues are perpetual by definition, one must chose a partner whose differences you can live and cope with like strategies and routines to deal with unbridgeable differences. Otherwise, the perpetual problems become hard trials. Instead of forgiving for them for the things they do that bug them, they end up turning against their spouse. 

There is this great talk that we listened to this week in our studies that I really loved and want to share with you. This really puts into perspective that getting rid of those hard feelings can really help us become happier and turn towards our spouse.

Forgiveness- Elder Faust

Lets choose to forgive our spouse for double dipping ;)

Rituals/Magic 5 Hours

Think about the regularity of your week. . Wake up, pack a lunch, say morning prayer, leave for work, come home, eat dinner, relax a bit, go to bed. . . AND THEN WHAT? Repeat it? Because that doesn't sound like an uplifting day to turn towards your spouse or family!

This week I really liked what our Gottman book had to say about rituals and the things that we do during our week. Yes we do have rituals, and maybe we don't even see them as that. When I got married there were things that we did in our marriage that we had to figure out how we were going to do together! Ex; family prayers, and scripture study. In my family we always did them at night time, but in his family they were always done in the morning before school. We had to figure out what worked best for us and create that ritual everyday. There are some rituals that go on like holidays, special events, lovemaking and so on that go on that become what you and your husband do. 

Doing these things can either become special, or just habit. Doing them we create a shared meaning between the family members and you and your spouse! I usually want the things we do to be special and meaningful, so I really try to make them that way.

Another way to keep our time meaningful and special are these special 5 hours in our week, so Gottman says. These five hours come from the in between times that actually really do matter. These times are when your spouse is leaving for work. You have a couple choices here. . . One being you kiss them goodbye and wish them off to have a good day! Or you just yell from your bed, still all snuggled in the blanket "Bye"! Doing these things have a big effect on your marriage. I had a goal to work on some of the activities that Gottman shared in his book to enhance these 5 hours. Here are some:

1. parting: before saying goodbyes in the morning, find out one thing which is happening in the partner’s life that day;
2. reunions: stress-reducing conversations at the end of each workday
3. admiration and appreciation: find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation towards your spouse
4. affection: kiss, hold, grab and touch each other when together
5. weekly date: could be a relaxing low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions [to update your love-maps] and turn towards each other. Talking out a marital issue or working through an argument can also be placed here.

Earlier in this semester we started a habit to go on a date a week which I really have enjoyed. I decided that I am going to work on showing appreciation and admiration when he comes home from work because my husband has a very physically demanding job. I think that by doing this it could really improve our marriage.

I challenge you to choose one of the 5 to work on and see what comes of it in your marriage.

Pride

Sometimes there are problems in our marriage but we can't seem to find the root to them. This week was really good for me to read and see this thing called pride in a different perspective because it was talked about in a marriage point of view.

We did an activity together where we each made a survival list as if we were to be stranded on an island. We made our lists separate and then we talked together and tried to create a list together. We were able to let each other influence on another and that was really good to do. 

Pride is something that can get in the way of a lot of things, like letting your spouse influence you or you listening to your spouse. This activity helped us see how sometimes we can be harsh and prideful even in silly scenario situations.

President Benson shared a talk that was titled "Beware of Pride" that we read this week. His definition of pride helped me understand that sometimes it is not just what we think it is. 

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."

Pride really does come from Satan. He has a lot of hatred and hostility all around his life that he lives and he doesn't want us to be happy. 

President Benson also talked about something that hits hard when talking about marriage. He said " The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”

In a marriage sometimes we let the worldly things become more important than Godly things. We need to remember that we married our spouse in the temple and made covenants with God and them to be faithful. We need to continue to turn towards our spouse, and know that their opinion counts and that the power in the relationship is shared. We need to be willing to be unselfish and share our thoughts, and decisions with our spouse. 

Take time this week to do the activity with your spouse and create a list of survival needs/wants with them and see how well you share power in the decisions.

Bid On Your Spouse

D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.

I love this scripture because being weary in a relationship is something that can really get you down. Especially if you are struggling doing the little things. .  Like bidding on your husband!

I loved reading this chapter because I related this concept on bidding to an auction. Most of the time at auctions, you bid on your most favorite item! You bid, you bid, and you bid again until you "Win It"! So why not bid on your husband all the time.

Bidding means an action or something done to get your spouses attention in a positive way, to get positive reactions. Some examples from my spouse is when he tickles me when I am doing the dishes, or he will wink at me when we are riding horses. We connect and get closer this way when we do turn towards one another and bid on each other until we win!

This week in class we read a story that I really enjoyed because I could relate to it. Before I spoil it. . . here it is for you to read!

Fishing in Alaska, Martha Arnell

            One important aspect of a marriage is to show interest in your spouse's interests. Through the years I've tried to be a cheerleader when my husband brought home game after hunting, fishing etc. My father wasn't a hunter or fisherman, so this was a change for me. We have a set of mounted deer and moose antlers on our wall in our family room. Also, since my husband has been into running and especially marathon running, I've tried to be his greatest supporter and cheerleader. We now have 19 marathon medals hanging on the deer antlers in our family room.

    My husband has always desired to travel to Alaska to go fishing in a back-country river-trip. His opportunity came the summer of 2009. Of course, I was also invited. Traveling down a river in a raft all day and camping in tents in the wilds each night along the side of the river was not my greatest desire (I enjoy camping in my fifth wheel!). Anyway, I committed to my husband that I would go on the trip, support him, and not complain. The first day on our week-long river-trip, some no-see-um bugs and some horsefly type bugs bit my ears and face. When I awoke in the tent the next morning I felt strange with large swollen ears and eyes. I luckily had brought some over-the-counter allergy medicine, which helped somewhat with the swelling. But the greatest help was the blessing I asked for from my husband that morning outside our tent. He enjoyed his trip greatly, a life-time experience. I didn't complain and survived my bitten face, which took another month to look normal.

            --Martha Arnell

This story hit home for me because my husband and I are going to Alaska in 2 weeks! We will be camping by rivers throughout our trip and we will be fishing . . but hopefully not getting bit by big bugs! Yikes. I learned a lot from this story because she really did turn to her husband and thought of him before herself. I was impressed with this and hope to mimic her on my trip. 

Turning and bidding on your spouse is really important in relationships. You don't want to miss out on opportunities to build each other up and also your relationships. 

Bid on your spouse and win him/her over! Don't be weary in this small well doing, it is well worth the while and great relationship.